Trauma will make you lose your mind.
This is a part of my journey, my story, my truth.
Trauma will make you lose your mind which is why mental health is so important to me. This is my story, a part of my journey, my truth.
I have lived in fear. I have suffered mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual molestation and abandonment.
Five years ago, November 30, 2016, I had back fusion surgery with anterior posterior lumbar fusion 360, fused from front to back, L5, L4, L3, L2, S1. I was physically abused and beaten by a close family member who was on a dark road caused by methamphetamine. I love this person dearly and I am so thankful that today I can say this specific situation has been resolved and healed. However, I was left with severe physical and emotional trauma. The physical trauma resulted in coming out of surgery with my left leg completely dead. I was on a walker and used a cane for a year but I really had no idea the toll it was going to take on me mentally, emotionally and physically.
I was unhappy in life. I hated myself and everything around me and I was ashamed and numb. Being disabled and having to re-learn life as a single mom of two boys was so challenging for me. I felt less than and worthless. While my physical body is trying to heal from surgery I was going through a divorce and hopping from house to house and friend to friend. My pride was eating me alive! I was so mad and embarrassed at who I had become and on top of all of this I was close to 200 pounds with a dead leg that I dragged around. I didn't think I could go on or know if I even wanted to. Throughout this time I played the victim because I felt I was the victim in all this and I just knew it would hurt those who had hurt me. I was wrong and learned the hard way that the only ones I hurt were myself and my children.
In the summer of 2019, I came across some self-help books and began looking for help and answers but realized it was already too late. My kids had enough of my mental breakdowns and walked away. My past had finally caught up to me. The shock of losing my kids, my pride and joy, overnight caused me to fall to my lowest point. I can't even express how low and horrible I felt.
I had a chance to change my life when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. I moved out into the country. It took me a while to adjust to country living but being in nature and all the beauty all around me was so healing. I was forced to take the time to slow down, be alone, learn who I was inside and out and something began to change deep inside. I began to read. I read book after book and felt as if I had written some of them myself. It was like the author was in my head and already knew me! I found a mentor who gave me private classes weekly. I learned so much but most importantly she helped me learn about self-love and forgiveness within myself and others. I did a lot of work on my inner self including lots of soul searching and that is when my spiritual awakening journey began. Once I was able to forgive and love myself it became natural to forgive and have unconditional love for myself and everyone else. I learned my lessons and have grown from them.
Now I have peace within which is the best feeling I have ever experienced. For years, I had been running away from my own feelings and emotions that had been buried deep within since I was a little girl. All of the pain and trauma made me hard and emotionless. When my life got hard or people got too close I would run, push them away and shut down. Growing up I had learned how to shut down, bury my emotions and run away from my problems. Once I hit rock bottom I lost everything. I was forced to either take the dark road and play out my anger like I had in the past which got me nowhere but where I was or I could grow up emotionally and mentally and learn to love myself as I am today and to learn and heal from my past.
If we stay caught up in the past, we lose our life and we are only living in the past. I have been alone for a few years working on me. Everything that I do today, I do with intention. I am so blessed. I did not think I could lose weight, be happy with myself, enjoy life, run, walk, hike, do all the things I love to do. I never thought I would be able to do it again. The physical pounds began to fall off once I started facing the emotional baggage I was running from.
Facing emotions partly means going back to that specific time and recalling the emotion you were feeling, acknowledging it and letting it go. Then forgive yourself and who was involved. It is the first step to healing and forgiveness.
Becoming self-aware has awakened me in so many ways. Trauma, fear, and hate are some ugly things. You truly never know how you personally would react to a situation until you’re faced with that darkness. It’s so easy to point fingers and say what you would do or should have done, but until you are faced with your own demons and living in fear you have no idea how you would react or what you would do differently. We all do the best we can for the situations we are in with the knowledge we have at that time.
I have learned how to harness my emotions and no more will I use my trauma or play the victim. I have found my way out of my own darkness. I have learned how to turn rage and hate for myself and others into unconditional love. I am so amazed; learning that our emotions create most of our physical pain is eye opening! Whoa! Everyone is bitter about the wrongs done to them. Every situation is a learning experience. If we do not learn from it, the lesson will continue to repeat, just in different situations.
“What would Jesus Do”? Rise above the situation. God does not give us credit for loving the folks we want to love, no, he gives us credit for loving the unlovable. God said not to let the sun go down on our wrath. When we hold on to hatred and bitterness, we not only harm others but also ourselves. Forgiveness is as much about the person offering it as the recipient. It is a gift you give yourself the ability to move on free of the weight of resentment. Anger often turns to violence and fear is what holds us back. Spiritual awakening begins the process of freeing yourself from layers of illusion present in the physical world and choosing to become aware of who you really are and what is really true.
Many people live life pursuing the unfulfilling markers of success, fame, power, material success, money, a good job and buying a home. Through awakening you come to see through the illusions of the physical and recognize that nothing external can truly bring you fulfillment. When we hit rock bottom, that's when God shows up and we realize that we had a choice all along. When we are used to negative things, it seems we choose the negative route/choice. When we learn to quiet our mind and look within and truly listen to our inner thoughts, we can hear our higher self guide us to the direction we are supposed to go. Our minds are like water. When there's turbulence it's hard to see past the storm but when it's calm we can see things clearly.
Here is my before and after.
Here is what has worked and helped me, for anyone interested:
Find what works for you and go after it.
If you want to truly change, I have learned you have to change everything and it starts deep inside, down to the people you socialize with and what you listen to.
Holistic health and wellness has given me my life back.
Writing positive affirmations daily to reset my thinking to positive.
Listening to spa music, binaural beats to keep my mind at peace.
A lot of mental work.
Becoming self aware.
Taking a long break from TV and Facebook as I worked on myself.
Changing my patterns.
Daily walks, working out, staying active.
Changing the way I eat.
Daily meditation, praying, studying mental health.
Asking myself hard life questions,
Setting goals and taking action with baby steps, so I did not overwhelm myself.
Books that have helped me:
Rise sister Rise and Light is the New Black by Rebecca Campbell
You Can Heal Your Life by Louis Hays This book helped me understand most of our emotions, create our physical pains and how to love myself. I am forever changed and thankful.
A Course on Miracles by Marianne Williamson
Listening to Harmonic Wealth, Divine Healing and Health, How to Harness Your Emotions by Duane Sheriff Ministries
Louis Hays Daily Positive Affirmations
Other thoughts and quotes:
Our past does not define who we are today.
“Hurt people hurt people. That’s how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.” - Yehuda Berg
“Live light, travel light, spread the light, be the light.” - Yogi Bhajan
“What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed, and no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” -Meredith Grey
“Good things come to those who believe. Better things come to those who are patient, The best things come to those who do not give up.” - Abe Lincoln
The key to true awakening is found in your state of mind.
About the Author
Jessica is a mother of two amazing boys and a hairdresser of 17 plus years.
When Jess is not cutting hair, you will find her exploring the natural beauty of Arkansas, caves, lakes, hiking, working out, studying health and wellness topics to improve quality of life.